


The Placement of Bicycle Parts

by specialrhino



Category: Sam & Max
Genre: Banter, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-20
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2017-10-13 21:41:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/142006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/specialrhino/pseuds/specialrhino
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Max never closes his mouth. He had to go the the dentist eventually.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Placement of Bicycle Parts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [anemptymargin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/anemptymargin/gifts).



> Halfway through writing this, I looked a little closer at your request and found that Sam & Max was apparently a cartoon and comic rather than just a game. That being said, this was written from the 1993 video game. Hopefully it holds true to the original characters. :) I've also never written anything that includes more than two lines of dialogue, but this was actually quite fun to write - thanks for requesting such a lovely fandom and leaving your prompt so open-ended! Happy Yule!

Riiiing. Riiiiiiiiiiing. “Not this time you won’t-” “Ow-” @#^$&*

A mini wrestling match ensued, ending with a dog in a suit pinning a rabbit against the door with his foot. Riiiiiing. The rabbit was still grinning and struggling despite defeat.

“Hello, chief? Really? Well, now that you mention it, the smog around here does make it feel like a café in Europe. That long already? I think he’ll put up a hell of a struggle. Okie dokie. Talk to you later, Chief.”

 “What’s the news? Either you doubt our profound capability of violence as Freelance Police or that wasn’t a case.”

“You’re right, there isn’t a case. Looks like not being able to keep your big mouth shut comes back to you, little buddy.”

“I always prided myself in never closing it, like the hours of a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant.”

“Well, it looks like when you’re constantly letting words come out, some things get in.”

“Where are you reaching your hand – is that a fly??”

“OW! I was reasonably sure you’re a rabbit! The inside of your mouth leads me to believe otherwise, most theories pointing toward shark.”

“Even better than that, Sam, the government gave me _three_ rows of teeth, and only one of them came from a shark. Don’t ask me where the other ones came from, because the scientists stopped talking to me the fifth time I wrecked their equipment.”

“Who needs three rows of teeth? That would explain why you don’t own a working toothbrush.”

“Some cheese is very hard; I’m surprised the French have any teeth left.”

“If you’re talking about what you ate yesterday, little pal, that was a yellow rock. And the day before that was my police badge.”

“That’s what your big eggplant hat is for, right? You should put a sign on it for the public that says it’s just a hat, because I tried to eat it once while you were asleep and it really really wasn’t an eggplant. That and our beady eyes scream police louder than batman caught in a well as a child.”

          Car was drooping a little. Or maybe just hunching down for the charge. Or perhaps the tires had been popped by vandals. They could never tell with Car, but it was nice to be on the safe side. Sam gave it a pat or two and a sideways whisper about how it looked more official than both of them put together, because you don’t upset a thing with bat fins.  


“Are you saying only bats can tell we’re police? The last bat we met didn’t know up from down.”

“Prime real estate, a clocktower, I don’t see why he was so upset when we moved him in. There was even a little ugly monk that he could terrorize if he got bored.”

“Some people are just ungrateful like that, although I’d usually expect it from rats.”

“Cheese tries to be unGRATEful as much as possible, I’ve found. And I know, because I had a whole closetful, once.”

“Cheese has only talked to you once, and even then you were talking to radioactive mold that had covered it like a snuggie on a fat person.”

“Hey! That fat person was a very convincing ninja turtle. They were so wide it looked like they had to have a shell.”

“I think you need to learn the visual difference between people and drawings. Then you would stop trying to eat cheeseburgers and dogs off of murals.”

“But we _are_ cartoons, Sam. And leave my Aunt Muriel out of this.”

“Yes, but we must be a little more real than that, because I’ve never seen you with your mouth closed, even on roadtrips, and now the Chief called and you have to go to the dentist. Do they even have shark dentists?”

“My teeth are still pure #FFFFFF white!”

“There are more insects caught in your teeth than toddlers on leashes at Disneyland.”

“I’m saving them for later!”

“If I don’t feed you, you start eating parts of Car. The only thing you could possible save them for is a day when you’re trapped in a basement. Besides – is that the bullet you blocked with your teeth three weeks ago?? It’s still there?”

“Having metal in my teeth gives me a loud entrance at buildings with security. It’s like a royal announcement!”

“Do you still feel inadequate about being short? I thought all of your senseless violence was to dispel any lack of self-worth.”

“My teeth are bigger than your face. And what would being short have to do with quitting?”

“If you agree to go to a dentist, I’ll take you to a normal, unsuspecting one. And neglect to mention the numerous, pointy rows of incisors.”

“I’d rather go out into public and terrorize people. It’s easier, and the people don’t wear gloves. Gloves taste bad.”

“I thought that would be your response.”

“Hey, what’re you –” $&^*(&(I)(*&*$%*&(HJKL&$#!@#$(*

“Normally the back of the neck hold is used for snakes, but I think this is a fitting occasion.”

“Fit your own occasion, Canus Major.”

“You may as well accept it, little buddy, because we’re already half way there.”

“Huh. Funny how location flies when there’s no narrative.”

“Is it just me, or are these brakes not working?”

“Car and I had a talk the other day and decided that that was what obstacles are for. Brake fluid is far more useful as shampoo. Careful, don’t miss that grandmother!”

“This is why I never let you drive – lack of common sense. Grandmothers are far too light to slow us down. We need to find us a hot dog stand or building somewhere. A chump on a segway will do in a pinch.”

“Oooooh, is this a pediatric dentist? Gee Sam, I didn’t know you cared.”

“I’ve got your back, little buddy. Now you have to act normal until you’re in the chair and the dentist has walked up, or this won’t work.”

“Can do!”

“Wait, normal for you is like a rabid zombie ferret at the circus. Fake the awareness of anyone’s child. In fact, act braindead. I’m going to take an x-ray machine and they need to be lulled into a false sense of security until someone puts a hand near your mouth and you go ballistic.”

“See you on the other side!”

         A child was smiling and clapping his hands in the background, and a dentist was crying. Dr. Raisch asked himself how someone could fit that many bicycle parts in their mouth and why he hadn’t chose to be an optometrist like his uncle.  


“That was close! “

“Visits to the dentist are always like Halloween, only with less pumpkins and more drills.”

“People in dentists’ offices are typically better trained, though. Good thing we caught them offguard on a Tuesday morning.”

“Next time let’s go to a hospital. You got everything you wanted, Sam?”

“Sure did, Max. Sometimes the box seems almost as deep as a politician’s pockets.”

“Is there an earthquake, or is Car laughing?”

“Ah, so that was laughing gas. I was wondering. Good thing you don’t have a nose, huh, little pal?”


End file.
